Parshas Ki Savo – 5786 – Intriguing Questions & Answers
A Younger Daughter Marrying Before Her Older Sister
Q: Every day presents new challenges in many families when there are several children of shidduch age. At times, a shidduch is suggested for the younger daughter before the older daughter, and the question arises: Under what circumstances does halachah permit the younger daughter to marry before the older daughter?
A: First, we should mention several levels that we find in the poskim regarding when it is permitted for a younger daughter to marry before an older daughter:
A) If the older daughter is mochel and agrees that her younger sister should marry before her, even if she has some resentment in her heart, “devarim shebalev einam devarim,” and we can rely on her expressed consent.
B) The requirement to give precedence to the older daughter applies specifically when both girls have reached marriageable age and are actively involved in shidduchim. However, if neither has yet become involved in shidduchim and a shidduch comes along for the younger daughter but not for the older one, the younger daughter does not have to lose the opportunity.
C) Some poskim maintain that the concern applies specifically when the father is arranging the marriages of his daughters, but not when the daughters themselves are choosing their husbands.
The source for this is brought by the Shach (Yoreh Deah 244:13), who writes that even though one brother or sister may be greater than another in Torah knowledge, one should not arrange the marriage of the younger one first because he is greater in Torah, but should first arrange the marriage of the older sibling.
In Shu”t Igros Moshe (Even HaEzer II, Siman 1), Rav Moshe Feinstein zt”l explains that the Shach is referring to a situation in which both are ready to marry and the only question is which wedding should take place first.
In such a case, the older sibling’s wedding should come first because of the honor due to the older sibling, even if the younger sibling is greater in Torah.
However, if the older child does not currently have a shidduch, the younger child does not have to wait for him at all, since the younger child himself has a mitzvah to get married, and we cannot tell him to delay fulfilling his mitzvah so that his older sibling can get married first.
Certainly, if delaying would cause the shidduch to fall through, the younger sibling does not have to lose the opportunity because of the older sibling’s distress.
In the notes of Rav Yisroel Taplin shlit”a, he records that he asked Rav Yisrael Yaakov Fisher zt”l whether a younger sister is permitted to marry before her older sister.
Rav Fisher answered that it is certainly permitted, for must she wait until she becomes undesirable? This is not a reason to delay her marriage.
In Shu”t Divrei Yatziv (Even HaEzer, Siman 9), the question of whether it is proper to marry off a daughter before her older brother is discussed.
In addition to the various considerations, he discusses the daughter’s obligation to honor her older brother.
Nevertheless, he concludes that it is certainly permissible to do so, especially if the older brother is mochel.
See also Shu”t Minchas Asher (II, Siman 74).
Certainly, it is difficult to establish one clear general ruling in this matter, since every case must be judged individually.
Therefore, it is necessary to ask a talmid chacham for guidance in each individual situation.
The Shulchan HaEzer (Siman 1, se’if 40, note 10) writes that whenever one wishes to be meikil in this matter, it is proper and correct to do so only through three talmidei chachamim who are ba’alei hora’ah, and through this, “tov yihyeh lahem.”
Changing a Baby’s Diaper in the Middle of a Meal – Does One Need to Wash His Hands Again?
Q: A very common question, especially on Shabbos, concerns someone who changes his baby’s diaper in the middle of a meal.
When he returns to continue eating, is he required to wash his hands again, with a berachah, before continuing to eat?
A: The Shulchan Aruch (O.C. 164:2) writes that one who is in the middle of a meal and remembers that he touched his thigh, leg, or other normally covered parts of the body, or scratched his head, or otherwise touched places where there is sweat and dirt, must wash his hands again and recite Al Netilas Yadayim.
The Mishnah Berurah (ibid. s.k. 12) adds that certainly if one touched an actual filthy area or used the bathroom, he must wash his hands.
However, he writes further (s.k. 13) that the Maharshal disagrees and maintains that one should not recite a berachah merely because he touched a sweaty area during the meal.
He even maintains that after using the bathroom in the middle of a meal, one need not recite the berachah unless he left and was away from the meal for an extended period.
The Mishnah Berurah concludes that there are many Acharonim who discuss whether we should follow the Maharshal, and in the Biur Halachah he rules that after using the bathroom, touching an actually filthy area, or leaving the meal for an extended period, one should wash his hands with a berachah.
Accordingly, when one changes a baby’s diaper in the middle of a meal, since he certainly touches a normally covered area, he must wash his hands before continuing to eat.
If he actually touches feces, then according to the ruling of the Mishnah Berurah, he should also recite the berachah.
The Rema (O.C. 170:1) further rules that even if one does not intend to eat any more bread during the meal and only intends to drink, he should nevertheless wash his hands, since we are concerned that he may end up eating as well.
However, Rav Shmuel Felder cites that Rav Moshe Feinstein ruled that if one has finished his meal and intends to eat dessert, he does not need to wash his hands again, since dessert is not considered part of the meal itself, but rather a kinuach seudah, and there is no concern that he will come to eat bread together with it.
The Chazon Ish (O.C. 25:9), however, writes that it is difficult to make distinctions that were not made by the Rishonim, and that one who recites the berachah has not lost out.
Nevertheless, he writes that one who is lenient because of the concern of a berachah levatalah, following the opinion of the Maharshal, should not be reprimanded.
Furthermore, I’ve seen many Acharonim who follow the opinion of the Maharshal and the Taz that one does not recite a berachah even after using the bathroom.
Among them are the Gra”z, the Devarim HaChayim, and the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch.
He therefore writes that the common practice, both among Ashkenazim and Sephardim, is not to recite the berachah.
The Extent of a Married Woman’s Exemption from Kibbud Av Va’em
Q: A very common question concerns the obligation of a married woman to honor her parents.
Since there are many details of halachah in this area that are not always well known, I’ve been asked to write what is the practical halachah in regards to this matter?
A: The Gemara Kiddushin (31b) states:
“Ish—I only know a man; from where do we know a woman? When the Torah says ‘you shall fear’ in the plural, both are included. If so, why does the Torah say ish? A man has the ability to fulfill the mitzvah, whereas a woman does not have the ability to do so because she is under the authority of others.”
We see from here that a married woman is exempt from the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va’em when her obligations to her husband prevent her from fulfilling it, and this is brought as a halachah in the Shulchan Aruch (Y.D. 240:17).
The Shach (s.k. 19), however, writes that if her husband does not object, she is obligated to do whatever she is able to do, just like a man, and this is brought l’halachah by the poskim.
Furthermore, the sefer Mora Horim V’Chayim (ch. 7, se’if 5, footnote 5) explains that from the wording of the Chayei Adam it is apparent that the exemption of a married woman from Kibbud Av Va’em applies specifically when she knows that her husband objects.
However, if she does not know his דעת and has no reason to assume that he objects, she is required to involve herself in honoring her parents until she knows that her husband objects.
This is also how the matter was ruled by Harav Elyashiv zt”l.
It is also very important that both the father and husband understand the proper approach in these matters.
The Sefer Chassidim (siman 335) writes that when a father has a married daughter who is occupied with the needs of her husband, and the father needs her assistance, he should not instruct his daughter to attend to his needs while she is occupied with her husband’s needs.
Rather, if the husband is a proper person, he should tell her to take care of her father’s needs first.
As for the practical halachah regarding whether a married woman is exempt from the laws of Mora Av Va’em, which include the halachos of fearing one’s parents, I have already written in my sefer Ohel Yaakov – Hilchos Kibbud Av Va’em that if her husband asks her to transgress a mitzvah of Mora, such as by asking her to sit in a place where her parents are sitting, she certainly should not listen to him.
Since such matters have no connection to or contradiction with her obligations to her husband, she remains obligated in the mitzvos of Kibbud and Mora Av Va’em.
On the other hand, if her parents ask her to do something that interferes with her husband’s wishes, such as asking her to come eat at their home when her husband wants to remain at home, or asking her to come visit them when she knows that doing so will cause her to neglect her responsibilities in the home, she is not obligated to listen to them.
Nevertheless, it is certainly preferable for the husband to make every effort to enable his wife to fulfill her parents’ requests whenever possible, as we have brought above from the Sefer Chassidim.
And surely one who has any doubt in regards to these matters should always get advice from their Rav beforehand.